I started work back up again yesterday, June 1, as a remote tech worker for an open source consultancy. My husband started his paternity leave today. I'm only going back part-time for the moment so my rough plan is to work 3 days a week with the exception of this week, as I wanted to open my laptop, clear out my inbox, setup my Notion pages for 2026, change my away message and just try to get a vague sense of what's happened while I've been away. I'll work Monday-Thursday but Monday and Tuesday will be half days. My goal for the day was to get up with Chloe at 6:00 AM like normal. Put her down for her nap at 7:30. Have Jhey take over while I take the dog to the vet for heart scan and then log on for a little bit this afternoon. The universe said, a plan with an almost 5 month old? Nice try. Chloe woke up at 3:00 AM which is unusual for her. I rocked her back to sleep. Put her down. Tried to crawl back into bed. She woke up, rolled onto her tummy, and cried because she can't get onto her back because she's seemingly forgotten how to do so. She started rolling tummy to back weeks ago, but now that she can go back to tummy...that's all she does. Rinse and repeat until 6 AM. So I'm at that shattered level of tired. So much so that when I take my dog Vogue to the vet and they're telling me the results of her heart scan, it's not processing how poorly her heart actually is until I get home and talk to Jhey. She'll be on medication for the rest of her life. She's 14. We'll do another scan in a month to see if the meds help slow the progression of her heart enlargement and then I'll ask for a potential timeline...how much time they think she has left. Jhey goes to the gym and then someone shows up to pick up his special edition Mustang that he's sold. I get Chloe down for her nap and log on at 2:00 PM. I had briefly logged on for a half hour in the morning to just do a quick check and update. My inbox is a disaster as it seems my out of office reply, replied to spam messages that would normally not be in my inbox and I have 100s to delete. I try to be ruthless and delete as much as possible but leave the more company-wide discussions for follow up. I try and skim the chat. But there's too much. By the time it's 5:00 PM I have barely managed to get my Notion pages set back up. I'll try again tomorrow. I remind myself that today was particularly difficult with scheduling and is not indicative of my days going forward. Tomorrow I'll try for more routine. I go over to Jhey's parents' house and chat, we bring Chloe back for her nap, then bath and bedtime routine. I make a quick dinner of shrimp stir fry with a nice veggie stir fry pack from Waitrose. I almost make it to the end of the Euphoria finale but pass out briefly and then go up to bed. Exhausted but accomplished. Day one of this new life and routine and figuring it out is complete.

Today is my last day of maternity leave. Chloe is down for her morning nap and I'm trying to process the last 5 months and where it has all gone and all these complicated feelings. I want to go back to work and I don't. I am only going back part-time for a few months but it still feels like a massive shift is about to happen. Chloe is on a pretty good routine at the moment and just learned to roll over from her back to front. She is more aware, getting stronger and so damn cute. Her little gummy smile when I get her out of her cot in the morning and after naps fills my heart with such joy. I'm not sleeping particularly well at the moment and it's not necessarily because she wakes up at night. I have a lot of anxiety around sleep at the moment because of how hot it's been in the UK. Somehow despite the broken sleep, I get through the day and have a burst of energy after she goes to bed. I started anti-depressants for postpartum depression around the 3.5 month mark. This can also cause sleep issues and insomnia but I feel a lot better and have no problem saying without medication I'd be struggling to survive. I've even rediscovered my joy for a few hobbies and am excited to start gardening again and have decided our outdoor space needs an upgrade. I'm finding a rhythm again, ever so slowly. When it comes to the web and my career, I feel like I'm coming back at a weird time. AI is wrecking havoc and I continue to be skeptical of how hard it is being pushed. I believe it can be useful and is a tool, but the places where it could have the most impact and be incredibly transformational are not being funded adequately. I also don't believe it can adequately replace entire roles, and I don't believe we should be expecting 10x the output from workers because AI may be automating some tasks for them. We should not be pushing AI generated code to PRs without reviewing it or having some understanding of what has been generated. I fear there's going to be a lot of slop to clean up. I've been approached to create a proposal for a new side project. Details TBD but I'm considering moving ahead with it as it ties into Design for Developers. There's a lot on my mind, but I'm expecting Chloe to wake up any moment so I will eventually share those things on the blog but I will be back from maternity leave tomorrow (June 1) and dipping my toes back into adult life again. I've enjoyed the level of disconnection from online. My screen time is way down as I try to avoid being on my phone when Chloe is in front of me. Priorities have shifted. I've shifted. I feel like a completely different person, but I think it'd be strange if I didn't. How can you not grow after the experience of giving birth and motherhood?

And suddenly it happens one day in March. The sun beams down in a rare cloudless sky. It might be cold as the wind gently blows but The Sun. The Sun beams down and it promises Long nights on the horizon. It promises miserable humid days And lovely warm days. Harsh mid-day light. Dreamy golden evenings. It comes out to announce Winter's end before It once again disappears behind England's cloudy skies. And Suddenly Spring is here and my soul is warmed once again.

Note: I started this blog post at six weeks postpartum. It is now eight weeks postpartum as I am finally able to finish and hit publish. Six weeks ago I gave birth to my daughter. In some ways it didn't go according to plan. I had hoped to have a water birth. I imagined arriving to the birth unit and getting in the tub, but if that didn't feel okay then I would get an epidural because my pain tolerance is low and my fear of labor pain was intense. I didn't want to feel it. But we arrived to triage at 8:00 PM on my due date, 14 hours of intensifying contractions. We were sure we would be sent home because I had been timing my contractions and they had gotten further apart as the day went on, but I was in so much pain Jhey lied to triage when he was on the phone with them and fudged the contraction timings. Good thing he did because after sitting in the waiting room and crying out in pain, they whisked me back and told me I was 4 cm and in active labor. I wouldn't be going home. We went off to the birthing suite and I didn't want to move to one with a tub. I was glued to the bed with gas and air asking for an epidural. I never got an epidural. I still am not sure why, but my guess is because of how fast my labor progressed. Jhey was also worried I wouldn't be able to sit still for it. He's probably right. 6 hours later at 2:05 AM, Chloe arrived into the world. I had no complications or any need for interventions. By all means I had a dream labor. The fallback birth plan was for me and Chloe to leave the hospital healthy and alive. We did. The midwives and nurses were all great. I still think of Grace, the nurse who came in when we couldn't get Chloe to settle 24 hours later and knew exactly why. The public NHS ward leaves much to be desired, and your experience depends on who you're sharing a room with. Unfortunately we had the most obnoxious couple who had a caravan of people in and out across from us. And when did it become fine to take all your calls on speaker phone? Everyone around us was on speaker phone for their calls. Why!? Again, the NHS nurses and midwives at Bedford hospital were fantastic but I could not wait to leave. We left the hospital about 36 hours after I had given birth. As I hobbled next to Jhey out to the car in my pajamas while he carried the car seat, I realized all those influencers who post a photo leaving the hospital in their coordinated outfits are full of shit. Anything for the 'gram and the illusion of perfection. I had the most uncomplicated birth experience and was still moving slow (and forget about holding the car seat). The sky was clear and we had left at sunset. It was cold and crisp. As we drove home, I'll never forget the giant full moon that rose in the kind of pink sky you only get during winter sunsets. And then life was completely different. Even my dog Vogue knew when we arrived home from the hospital. I will admit I was not prepared for those first few weeks. They are called the newborn trenches for a reason and there is a reason there are so many people posting on newborn and postpartum subreddits digitally (and probably literally) sobbing about those first days. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced, and while I miss the very new newborn face scrunch and her teeny tiny little self, days feel more manageable already (we're 8 weeks in as I finish writing this post that I started at the 6 weeks mark, lol). The Last Six Weeks # Over the last six weeks I have cried from sleep deprivation. I've wondered what we've done. I've mourned the postpartum experience I will not get because I don't have a village in the UK. I have cried because I can't take Chloe out in her stroller to go for a walk in West Seattle with one of my friends. I have cried because my family is so far away. I've cried. Just because. I have gotten a tiny bit better at asking for help (but still struggle with this and always have.) I am incredibly stubborn and hate sitting still. I was up relatively quickly for walks by week 2 and 3. But it's taken me some time to be okay with the routine of being the primary parent while Jhey is back at work. I've had to be okay with sitting still and letting the countertops be cluttered, with ordering takeout instead of cooking (I love cooking). These early weeks have been an exercise in letting go and mindfulness. But at the crux of it all, despite whatever feelings I may be feeling, at the top there is an overwhelming sense of love that is unlike anything I have felt. I was terrified I wouldn't be able to do the things a parent is supposed to do. I always felt awkward with other people's kids and babies but suddenly instinct kicked in when Chloe arrived and all that worry was for nothing. I have involuntarily become an early morning person again. Similar to the days I would take calls in Seattle at 6:00 AM to catch my team in Berlin and Lithuania, except now my calls are with a tiny human, the most demanding of clients. When her deliverable is late (her bottle), she pitches a fit. But I'd honestly take that any day over being yelled at by a man who's angry over lines of code. Life is different now # There's a part of me that's devastated I have to go back to work in May, even if it's not full time. There's a part of me that can't wait either as I feel a sense of greater purpose. Before Chloe arrived, I didn't realize how much time I was spending, primarily online, and not really doing much. Making plans about side projects and blog posts to write but didn't entice me enough to actually follow through on. Now I prioritize the things I actually want to get done in between cleaning/feeding/changing/putting down for naps/taking care of the dog. The time to dedicate to my things is currently minimal (as demonstrated by how long this post has taken to write). Things are evolving every day and Chloe's first vaccinations are next week so life will evolve even more when I feel comfortable taking her out to places so Jhey and I can get out of the house together for more than just grabbing a bagel or a donut. Life is very different now and my world is making sure this little human, that might actually be an Ewok based on the noises she makes at night, is fed and thriving. Speaking of, she's stirring and squawking from her bassinet, so this is where I'll leave you.